Chapter 3 Part 2 | Contents | Commentary
July 6, 1992 (Heisei 4) – Monday
We started crossing Fudou Bridge. Thanks to the recent good weather, the Atotsu River’s water level was lower than usual. We temporarily walked through the path we’d taken for three years, then turned at an easy-to-miss intersection that would take us to the mountainous area. The number of dim streetlights gradually decreased, and eventually the road stopped being paved with asphalt.
When we entered the mountain, both the heavy, damp wind and the moonlight were blocked by the forest of cedars. Even though my eyes were adjusted to the darkness, they could barely see the path ahead. The rays of light poking through the gaps between trees allowed me to recognize familiar gravestones, those of people who passed away in the Bunka Era. For some reason, Tachiarai’s words vividly came back to me. “…So the past really existed, huh.”
As I tightly held barrette with both my hands, my eyes focused on only the area by my feet. Tachiarai and I ascended the forested mountain in silence.
At about the halfway point, I let slip a question.
“Did I mess up somewhere?”
Tachiarai replied.
“No.”
“I’d feel a lot better if you said I did.”
“But you didn’t.”
Of course. This result wasn’t due to a screw-up on my part. I was simply a high school student who got the wrong idea, and it wasn’t my fault that Maja died. I wasn’t that conceited to think that it was. No matter what I wished for, no matter what I did, the result would have been the same. Still, I wasn’t expecting Tachiarai to not allow me to blame myself.
She added another line.
“…That said, your words and actions might have changed the end result by the butterfly effect.”
I let out a small laugh.
“Thank you.”
“There’s probably a better way to say it, though.”
“No, it’s…”
I stopped moving. Right behind me, Tachiarai’s footsteps also stopped.
“What’s wrong?”
I drew a breath.
“I’m sorry.”
Sorry for pushing this role onto you. I moved off again. At the gap in the forest where we could catch a glimpse of the city, Tachiarai seemed to murmur something, but I couldn’t tell if they were words of forgiveness.
The view opened up as we neared the peak.
We reached a clearing in the forest, and the night view of Fujishiba City could be seen from there. It was a relatively tiny city, but its light drowned out the stars. The planned sites for graves were marked out by white rope, and it seemed that there were more new graves compared to last year.
At a corner where Fujishiba could be clearly seen, I did some digging. I picked up small stones and scraped away the lukewarm soil. What a childish burial. In the end, that was all I could do. A small grave that wouldn’t be able to comfort the dead, existing only for the sake of sentimentality. But for the first time, I learned that sentimentality was a good way to ease my mind.
As I dug, I recalled the events of a year ago, as well as those from an hour ago. Various scenes and words came back to me. Yearning for experiences, I’d acted foolishly, and when I resolved myself to stick through with it knowing it was foolish, it was already over… perhaps this was the time to laugh. No, actually, I wanted to laugh.
I gently placed the hydrangea barrette in the shallow hole.
Tachiarai was squatting next to me. The two of us silently filled the hole.
The modest burial ended almost as soon as it began.
Still squatting, we looked down at the temporary grave that didn’t even have a mound.
I did not press my palms together, but simply muttered.
“It’s been nothing but failures, assumptions and misunderstandings. What a sad state of affairs. Why did that happen to Maja, and why am I like this?”
Tachiarai also did not offer a prayer.
“Only a religious leader or demagogue can answer that.”
Unfortunately, Tachiarai was no religious leader or demagogue. Even if I tried thinking about it, I wouldn’t be able to produce an answer. I couldn’t even understand what other people were like, let alone understand myself.
Enveloped by the remnants of heat from the day, we continued looking down at the grave.
The first one to stand was Tachiarai. Without wiping off her dirt-stained hands, she asked a question in an unusually small voice.
“…Are you continuing with Yugoslavia?”
How can I continue when it’s already all over? But I suppressed such a thought that would probably make my brainshort-circuit. Yes, I wanted to give up on everything and lock it all away in my memory, but… the impulse to uncover the person who killed Maja surged forth within me. I wanted to find out their justifications, their reasons for killing Maja. It seemed impossible, but come to think of it, Maja’s wish was also almost impossible to fulfill. If I could emulate the strength she’d built up, I might be able to see something eventually. And if that was possible, I would be able to stop being blissful, and start moving closer to what I yearned for.
But is it possible? Would I have the strength to accomplish that? Even Maja was powerless in the end.
I couldn’t make up my mind; I needed more time. I didn’t answer Tachiarai’s question.
We silently stood up and turned around.
Spread out before our eyes was the night view, and overwhelming light that lit up our city, Fujishiba City.
It was a wonderfully blissful scene, and at the same time, a breathtaking one. Unconsciously captivated, I had the thought of showing it to Maja some day. Some images flashed back in my head.
Her peering eyes, her black curled hair, her white nape, her words “Is there a philosophical meaning behind this?”, and a white envelope.
I walked a little faster to put some space between me and Tachiarai, then stood still in front of the night view. Before this, I’d shown quite an embarrassing side of myself to her. I didn’t want her to see my pathetic face as well.
Having failed again and again, I still lacked anything concrete. But no matter what, there was the unmistakable truth. Maja was dead. I was finally made to have that realization.
Everything I could see and couldn’t see about Maja was now gone from her forever.
But I still couldn’t believe that those things would linger on within me.
Chapter 3 Part 2 | Contents | Commentary
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